Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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