there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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