Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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