it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
