insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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