Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
