I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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