even my farts smell like vagina
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
