Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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