I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
