the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
