and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
