They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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