Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Two words: nipple clamps
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