Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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