Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
