My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
