my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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