The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
