To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
