I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
