I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
