I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
