Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He kissed a someone with a penis
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
