hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
