trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
