In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
