I heard we made out
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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