I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
