I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just cut my nipple shaving
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
