Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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