yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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