I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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