i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
