I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
