i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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