I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
