the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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