i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
