My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
