I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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