Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
