rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
