Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
