I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
