My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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