Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
