The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
