we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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