so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
