you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Boobs are out for the taking
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
