An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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